Shenanigans in the Brig
by Sentimental Semantics
Summary: Just when things are at their most desperate, an important but often overlooked team member decides he's had enough of the tomfoolery around him. Dedicated to Exilo, and his writings. Oneshot, rated M for extreMe!


**...Okay...sooooooooo...**

**Firstly, for anyone reading this, I will stay that, if you have not read _Kingdom Come _by Exilo, you will not understand this. ...At all. It will make, NO SENSE. None, whatsoever. I just hope those of you who HAVE read it are able to make sense of it...**

**K, and to Exilo. First, happy birthday! I threw this hot mess together just fo' you. I regret that its not flowery prose, and in terms of style and actual literary worth, I'm sure whatever Luke and Pae and people have written kicks the crap out of it. I just wanted to give a salute to one of my favorite scenes in any story I've ever read, and give a salute to a great friend of mine. The setup should be pretty recognizable...Sorry if it sucks.**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy. And if you take a moral away from this...um...Angry things come in small suits of armor? ...I dunno. But, yeah.**

**---**

"Shipmaster. Chieftain. Private."

The motley bunch—Rtas, Kimber and her team, Kurr, and Thantus (albeit in a prison cell) had finally gathered. It was time; they were ready, and their plan of action was decided.

Nicole was busy in the corner, examining a massive Jiralhanae weapon—the hammer. It dwarfed every other weapon in the room, and even some of the sentient beings there as well. Curiously, she reached out a hand to touch it, and then retracted it as though she'd been stung. Maybe it was the coldness of the metal, or maybe it was the knowledge that that particular weapon could have (and definitely had) killed many, many human beings.

R'tas, towering over her, slowly approached from behind. "I was not pleased when I was given this operation," He said to her, and she turned to face him. Somewhere in the back of his mind, R'tas thought of how ridiculous this all was. Treating a human this way…a few years ago, nobody would have dreamed of it. "I thought of you as a liability, unwilling to do what was necessary, should push come to shove, as you humans would say." He laughed at that subconsciously—how much had he changed, from interacting with the little creatures. He was using their own phrases…honestly.

"If we had to deal with the Jiralhanae," He boomed, continuing his speech, "I did not think you would be capable of holding your own. If we had to deal with humans, I believed you would buckle under the pressure. I stand corrected, and I apologize for any disrespect that I have shown you."

…Did I mention that R'tas is ALSO in the cell, with Thantus? Yeah. I probably should have. Sorry. …Anyways, to continue….

"You aren't just saying that so that I will open the cell, right?" she asked with a _very_ forced smile. She tapped the control panel, and the cell flashed open, giving the Elite enough time to dash out and then close it again before Thantus had a chance to try and get out. Not that he seemed eager to; he didn't move much from his position at the back of the cell. As soon as he was free, R'tas instantly made for the hammer, and hefted it up.

"Do not touch that," Thantus growled.

R'tas whirled around on him. "Oh yeah? And what is there to stop me, Jiralhanae? You?" His mandibles formed into a smile. "Oh, wait, that's right. You're in jail. Ha, ha, ha."

"At least I have all of my face intact." Thantus snorted, smiling at the reaction his insult got from 'Half-Jaw'.

R'tas glared at Thantus before putting the hammer back, and picking up a Needler, a plasma rifle, and finally an Energy Sword. Once he'd gotten his weapons, he made for a suit of armor at the back of the room—when they had imprisoned him, they had taken away all of his armor, and his undersuit as well.

As he was walking, he heard Nicole's voice pipe up behind him. "Um, shipmaster?"

"Yes?" He said, whirling around and turning to face her. She didn't make eye-contact, however.

"Erm…maybe you should…_not _wear armor. If you do, they'll know its you if they check the security cameras. Since your armor is silver, and everything."

R'tas blinked, still confused as to why she wasn't looking him in the eye. "I sort of, well, I sort of need it. For shielding, and protection. Furthermore, we are sending this ship into the sun—no security cameras will be checked. Why is it important I abandon my armor?"

The other beings in the room looked a little…uncomfortable. Savage had turned to face the other wall and was whistling, and Wesson had his hands over his eyes. Kurr was in the corner, performing a hand-motion that was what the humans would call 'the awkward turtle'.

Nicole, eyes as wide as dinner plates, still seemed distracted by something. "Its…a human custom, to not wear armor…?"

"Christ, just take a picture, why don't you," Savage muttered to her. "Besides, I'm pretty sure it would be bestiality anyway."

"I do not understand," R'tas piped up. "You wear armor all the time. All human soldiers do. What is this custom you speak of?"

Nicole sighed, disappointed. "Nevermind, put your armor on."

R'tas nodded, slightly confused, and went to get dressed. "Wow, Nicole," Savage muttered. "Very professional."

Nicole gave him an unimpressed look. "Did you see how _big _it was?"

"…No, I wasn't looking," Savage said.

Nicole stared at him.

"…Okay, but, you don't understand, Nicole. It just…it wouldn't work, alright?" Savage quipped. "It would…fucking…it would fucking _impale _you."

Nicole motioned over her shoulder, to Thantus in the corner. "Do you think that _his _is—"

"Okay, no. No, no, no. We are NOT having this conversation right now." As they muttered to one another, R'tas was finishing equipping his armor, and had proceeded to perform interpretative dance with his sword.

"When?" He said in his deep voice, eager to begin fighting.

Savage and Nicole both looked at him, before Savage, looking slightly disturbed, turned away. "…Christ…I can't look at either of you ever again, Nicole…"

"About an hour before the dinner bell is rung," Nicole said loudly over Savage's words. "An hour after that, the jamming frequency is set to go off, cutting off any communications within the ship, as well as preventing them from sending a distress signal out. They shouldn't know what's going on, so long as we go slow, wing by wing." She swallowed a hard lump. "Just like they must have done with the _Blameless Grace_."

Rtas bent down to one knee so that Nicole was almost at his eye level. He felt ridiculous, acting this way towards a human, but it had to be done for the sake of the mission, and for peace. "Lieutenant, you have done much for this cause, you have proven yourself in my eyes, and I shall inform the Arbiter of your dedication to peace." He sighed. "I was there when the Arbiter fought the heretics, though they aren't heretics anymore. It is not easy to spill your brethren's blood, even when you are sure you are fighting for a just cause. Even when I believed them to be heretics, it was not something I did with ease. I will understand if you chose to remain on the _Shining Wisdom _with your men."

"No," she said sharply. "This is a burden that we shall share together."

"Yeah, I _bet _you want some of his 'burden'," Savage muttered, just before Nicole turned and kicked him in the shin.

She sighed, turning back to R'tas. "Can we trust the Chieftain?"

"No," He replied darkly. "And when this is all over, he shall be executed by my blade."

"Words said through prison bars tend to lose intimidation. Release me and I will kill you. You would do best to leave me in this cage until I rot."

"Oh, don't worry, Chieftain. You'll be rotting, alright. I will have to clean your stinking flesh off of my blade."

"You love your blade so much, Sangheili. Why not marry it?" He bared his teeth at the tall Elite.

"Hm. You honestly think you can take _me_, Chieftain?"

"That's what _she_ said."

…There was another long silence.

"…What?" Thantus said defensively. "They taught me more than just Go Fish."

"Stop it," Kimber said loudly. "Both of you. For god's sake, can't you get over this bullshit?"

"He _started _it," R'tas said.

"I did _not!_" Thantus roared back.

"Did too!"

"Both of you, focus!" Nicole screeched.

"Oy," Colt said, walking in, "What's all the screaming? I thought this was a _quiet _operation."

"Shut the _hell _up, Colt! I've had it with your whiny-ass complaints, twenty-four-seven!" Nicole shouted.

"…Christ, I didn't realize it was that time of the month—"

"SHUT UP, COLT!" Behind them, Thantus was busy showing R'tas another thing the humans had taught him—how to give someone the finger. R'tas tried to emulate the gesture, but then realized he couldn't, because he had four fingers, two of which were thumbs.

Savage turned and started yelling for everyone to calm down, while Wesson sat in the corner, strangely silent. Soon, R'tas and Thantus were shouting insults at one another, and the voices of Nicole, Colt, and Savage filled the small space as well. The din was growing increasingly loud… Until one voice broke it, it high-pitched squeakiness making it easily recognizable.

"Woah, woah, WOAH."

Slowly, every head in the room turned, to one corner. They all turned to stare at the smallest being in the entire room.

Kurr sighed, looking from each person to the next, making eye contact with everybody. "…Kay…stop. Really."

R'tas attempted to speak up. "Kurr, please. These matters are strictly to be left to—"

"No, no, no. None of that." Kurr cut him off, and reached up and pulled off his gas mask.

"Woah, Unggoy, don't you…_need_, that mask?" Thantus asked curiously.

"No. No, I don't. And I can speak perfectly, too."

R'tas blinked. "…Really?"

"Yes. Really. And can I just say something?"

"…So you _don't _need the mask, then?" Thantus asked again.

"KAY. THANTUS. FIRSTLY, have you ever played Halo 3? If you shoot a grunt in the face, EVEN IF YOU SHOOT ITS MASK OFF, it runs around, alive. So, no. We don't need them. And we can speak PERFECTLY, we just don't."

Nicole was confused now, too. "But then…why…?"

"Because its in the fucking _script!_" Kurr replied, pulling a script out of somewhere in the recesses of his methane tank. "Because I'm _everybody's little sidekick! _So I don't _get _to voice my opinions. But, you know what? No. I'm _done._"

"…We just broke the fourth wall, didn't we…?" Savage muttered as Kurr cleared his throat.

"Okay. All of you, are idiots. …ALL of you. Can none of you REALLY see what is going on right now?"

"Well…" R'tas said, scratching his head. "We are going to kill the rebels, are we not?"

Kurr massaged his head with his left hand, while sighing deeply. Nicole took a step back, creeped-out by seeing that he had a mouth. A really _big _mouth.

"No, you're not. That's _way _too simple. Seriously, you think that's it? You think we're just going to mosey on around this ship, blow it up, and happily-ever-after our way out of this whole thing?"

"…Yeah…" R'tas said, a bit cowed.

"Well then you're _wrong_. Because _firstly_, at the rate you and King Kong are bitching, we're not freakin' going to do _anything_. So _YOU _two need to go to freakin' marriage counseling or something, and then come back, and MAYBE we can get some shit _DONE _around here. And you can carry your own fucking rations from now on, by the way."

Thantus and R'tas exchanged a look.

"And then there's _you _guys," Kurr said, turning accusingly to the humans. "_You _guys don't have any idea, either?"

They shook their heads, confused.

"…You serious?"

They nodded.

"…You're all…really…dumb. Where's the PLOT twist? Huh? Something is going to go _WRONG_. And its _flamingly _obvious. You guys need to focus, for REALS."

"Okay then, genius," Colt said, his quick temper getting the best of him. "What is gonna happen?"

"One of these things is not like the other things?" Kurr replied, singing the famous tune of the Cookie Monster. "…Its WESSON, YOU IDIOTS!!"

The room turned to look at him. Perspiring from sweat, he whirled on the little Grunt. "H-huh!?"

"HONESTLY, PEOPLE," Kurr roared, "HE'S BEEN STANDING THERE QUIETLY THE WHOLE TIME. AND CLEARLY THIS IS GOING TO BE A REALLY BAD ENDING IF SOMEBODY ISN'T A TRAITOR."

"…I was guessing it would be Colt," Nicole said.

"Yeah, well, you're WRONG. Okay?" He turned and saw Wesson reaching for a weapon. "No. Don't even. I am NOT in the mood, okay?" He sighed. "In a little bit I'm going to have to save ALL your asses by setting off some explosives, and then I'm going to have to drag _YOU_ to the ship," He said, bitterly pointing at Savage, "And then I'm going to have to probably do some OTHER bullshit that is going to be the only thing kee—"

"Wait, why are you going to drag me to the ship?" Savage asked worriedly.

"You'll be crippled."

"What!?" Savage asked, panicking. "Wha…why!? How!?"

"UGH!" Kurr yelled. "Do you people HONESTLY, even NOTICE? I am CARRYING this team!" He whirled on the Covenant warriors. "If it wasn't for me risking my ass to bring you food and stuff, you'd be dead. And if I didn't drag you out of the explosion that Kalashnikov will bring," He said, pointing at Nicole, "_YOU_ would have been wrecked as well!"

"Wait, Kalashnikov!? He knows!?"

"Like I said, Wesson is a double agent. But I am not DONE, talking, here!"

"By the Gods," R'tas muttered. "Our plan is in danger. He will try to alert others!"

Nicole nodded. "We need to focus on—"

"ME!? YEAH, DAMN RIGHT YOU DO," Kurr interrupted. "BECAUSE IF IT WASN'T FOR ME YOU'D ALL BE SITTING DUCKS. So now I am going to TALK, and not be interrupted. YOU ALL _GOT THAT!?_"

There was a momentary pause before suddenly, a bunch of soldiers, led by Kalashnikov, jumped through the hole that was made in the fourth wall earlier. One of them readied an explosive as Kalashnikov puffed out his chest.

"A-HA! Nicole, Et tu, Brute? I cannot believe tha—"

"_**SHUT THE FUCK UP**_!!" One second, Kurr was yelling, and then, showing off his grunty-strength, he reached out, grabbed the hammer, and threw it. It spun through the air with disturbing speed until finally making contact with Kalashnikov's face. The gravity distortion killed him and his soldiers instantly.

"…Oh my gosh," Nicole said, breaking the quiet.

"OKAY," Kurr said. "NOW THAT THAT'S OVER WITH, WE'RE GOING TO BLOW UP THE SHIP, AND STUFF. ANY QUESTIONS!?" Everybody nodded at him, rather scared. "GOOD. …Now let's get moving. Everybody follow me."

Huffing and puffing, He put the mask back on his face, and stormed past them all, needler raised and ready for combat.

As he walked out he had a final spasm of raw anger, which he released by promptly pushing Savage into the burning cell-wall.

---

**...Happy birthday, bro.**


End file.
